I think the military, and the long string of bad one nightstands killed/dampened his ability to enjoy sex.
See, this is the reason why I think Helen's story is not about the unfairness of gender dynamics in bed -- not a commentary on the unfariness of D/s or BDSM or anything -- but a story about how John's experiences in the Air Force essentially made him screwed up about something that was innately inside him. He first becomes erotically aware of Rodney during the punishment spankings, and it's subtextually indicated that he starts acting out more because he doesn't mind these painful spankings that Rodney (as civilian leader) has to hand out. But he tries to suppress and deny because anytime his sexual wants came alive during his time in the force, they were denigrated and made into something ugly, painful and humiliating, and NOT in the good way.
I'd carry the argument further that John's sexual hang-ups were the least of it: for so long, he's had to repress and be wary of anything relating to his sexuality and "sub" status, that he's been warped to almost hating himself and what he is. He hates himself for all the things that he gave up to get where he is -- to fulfill his dream to fly -- by suppressing all these facets that didn't conform with his role in the force, and which makes it harder for him to see what Rodney wants in him. All the repression was necessary for him to get what he wants, but he's had to almost kill the part of himself that wanted all the sub-ish things he secretly wanted (Elsa pushing him into a wall and taking him, etc.). He thinks he's an inadequate sub, not worthy of Rodney (who could get subs in bed by being abrasive and knowing how to tie intricate knots) because why would Rodney stay with him? John doesn't take care of himself, doesn't so pleasingly "sub" things like cater to him nakedly or get physically roughed up, doesn't kneel at his feet, etc. John's whole ideal of what it means to be a sub has been skewed out of naturalness by his years in the force, by all the ugliness he's been exposed to (he thinks Rodney is a good guy b/c he's never called the subs he's bedded "dumb sluts" -- imagine a woman saying that, and your heart breaks). John falls for Rodney and then spends the last half of the story waiting for the other shoe to drop -- Rodney breaking up with him and marrying a more traditional sub, Rodney insulting and undermining him behind his back, Rodney getting tired to catering to his "frigid" sexual state and finding someone better at being a sub -- which provokes him into desperately negotiating with his idealization of Rodney by offering to do anything it takes to keep him, even stuff that he (John) doesn't personally find appealing in order to keep this one small beautiful thing that is his relationship with Rodney. John's not used to being treated with respect and love and genuine affection, so he's really confused when Rodney is just so very into him. He doesn't know how to act, like a battered woman who finally dates a nice guy and can't literally see why she deserves decent treatment.
While Rodney, on the other hand, is all plain sailing: he sees John as this beautiful, intelligent, mouthy sub, responsive and hot in bed, and cannot fathom the twisty depths of John's crap self-esteem. So Rodney thinks (of course), it's all about him, or maybe they're not compatible, and doesn't understand that John's fucked-up state of mind. I love the ending because it spells out that John maybe -- just maybe -- gets it: that Rodney thinks he's lucky to be with John, not the other way round. Actually, I think at basis, that's my definition of a good relationship: both partners think s/he is the one who's lucky to be with the other person.
God, the more I think about the story, and read it, the sadder I get.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2006-11-18 11:16 pm (UTC)See, this is the reason why I think Helen's story is not about the unfairness of gender dynamics in bed -- not a commentary on the unfariness of D/s or BDSM or anything -- but a story about how John's experiences in the Air Force essentially made him screwed up about something that was innately inside him. He first becomes erotically aware of Rodney during the punishment spankings, and it's subtextually indicated that he starts acting out more because he doesn't mind these painful spankings that Rodney (as civilian leader) has to hand out. But he tries to suppress and deny because anytime his sexual wants came alive during his time in the force, they were denigrated and made into something ugly, painful and humiliating, and NOT in the good way.
I'd carry the argument further that John's sexual hang-ups were the least of it: for so long, he's had to repress and be wary of anything relating to his sexuality and "sub" status, that he's been warped to almost hating himself and what he is. He hates himself for all the things that he gave up to get where he is -- to fulfill his dream to fly -- by suppressing all these facets that didn't conform with his role in the force, and which makes it harder for him to see what Rodney wants in him. All the repression was necessary for him to get what he wants, but he's had to almost kill the part of himself that wanted all the sub-ish things he secretly wanted (Elsa pushing him into a wall and taking him, etc.). He thinks he's an inadequate sub, not worthy of Rodney (who could get subs in bed by being abrasive and knowing how to tie intricate knots) because why would Rodney stay with him? John doesn't take care of himself, doesn't so pleasingly "sub" things like cater to him nakedly or get physically roughed up, doesn't kneel at his feet, etc. John's whole ideal of what it means to be a sub has been skewed out of naturalness by his years in the force, by all the ugliness he's been exposed to (he thinks Rodney is a good guy b/c he's never called the subs he's bedded "dumb sluts" -- imagine a woman saying that, and your heart breaks). John falls for Rodney and then spends the last half of the story waiting for the other shoe to drop -- Rodney breaking up with him and marrying a more traditional sub, Rodney insulting and undermining him behind his back, Rodney getting tired to catering to his "frigid" sexual state and finding someone better at being a sub -- which provokes him into desperately negotiating with his idealization of Rodney by offering to do anything it takes to keep him, even stuff that he (John) doesn't personally find appealing in order to keep this one small beautiful thing that is his relationship with Rodney. John's not used to being treated with respect and love and genuine affection, so he's really confused when Rodney is just so very into him. He doesn't know how to act, like a battered woman who finally dates a nice guy and can't literally see why she deserves decent treatment.
While Rodney, on the other hand, is all plain sailing: he sees John as this beautiful, intelligent, mouthy sub, responsive and hot in bed, and cannot fathom the twisty depths of John's crap self-esteem. So Rodney thinks (of course), it's all about him, or maybe they're not compatible, and doesn't understand that John's fucked-up state of mind. I love the ending because it spells out that John maybe -- just maybe -- gets it: that Rodney thinks he's lucky to be with John, not the other way round. Actually, I think at basis, that's my definition of a good relationship: both partners think s/he is the one who's lucky to be with the other person.
God, the more I think about the story, and read it, the sadder I get.